Richard Dawkins on Real Time with Bill Maher (October 2, 2009)

 

 

 

October 9, 2009

New Rule: Netflix must stop renting to Orangutans. Or whatever you're doing over there with the DVD before you get it to me. Look, I love a good mystery involving a grisly, violent, spattered crime scene, but that should be in the movie, not on the envelope. Okay, I don't need your pity.

New Rule: If you Nobel people want to keep your prize legit, don't have Toby Keith perform at your awards concert.

It's true. The entertainment for this year's Nobel Prize gala includes, yes, "Cletis McF*cknuts." And his "gee-tar." That's like saying, "Welcome, smart people. And now for an opposing view."

New Rule: When Roman Polanski is raping sixth graders and Mackenzie Philips is doing her dad and David Letterman is getting it on at work -- "Gossip Girl" is going to have to do better than a three-way to be outrageous. I'd expect more exploring from "Dora."

Oh, and, girls, if you're in bed with these guys [slide of Jonas Brothers], you're not bi, you're a bystander.

New Rule: God needs to inspire better artists. You know, the Lord used to inspire people like Michelangelo and Rembrandt. Now, he inspires cheeseballs like Jon McNaughton, whose latest masterpiece depicts Jesus handing America the Constitution as a bunch of dead patriots look on. It's like "Where's Waldo?" for wingnuts.

New Rule: Stop bringing me the phone book! The last time anyone ever needed a phone book was 1988! And that was a cop using it to beat a suspect! If you're dropping a bag off on my porch, it had better be full of weed.

And finally, New Rule: Everyone deserves equal rights. That's why they're called "equal" and "rights." Now, tomorrow, President Obama will speak before a gay rights group, and on Sunday, there will be a massive gay rally in Washington. Or, as I call it, the "Million Mo March." Which makes this weekend the perfect time for the president to announce he's repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," a policy that never made sense to begin with. A policy that basically said, "Here in the Army, we're all about honor and trusting the man next to you. Now, lie to my face about your sexuality, Johnson, or I'll report you behind your back."

But, forget all the good arguments for appeal, like, because it's the right thing to do, or because it was promised in the campaign, or because it gets lonely on a submarine. Do it because it will make Rush Limbaugh explode like a bag full of meat dropped from a helicopter.

Do it because it'll make Sarah Palin "go rogue" in her pants.

Because, here's the thing about today's conservatives. They're not bright. They can't keep a lot of ideas in their head at once. And, by "a lot," I mean two. If we can get them all worked up about fighting the gay menace, it will siphon away all that crazy town hall energy from the healthcare debate.

You see, the "teabaggers" don't know what the word "socialism" means, but they do know what the word "gay" means, because their hairdresser explained it to them once and they don't like it. They will be drawn to this like a moth to a flamer.

These people are homophobic. They have an image of one gay couple moving into the neighborhood, and the next day, waking up to guys rollerblading down Main Street in nothing but a Speedo and a nun's habit. With a sparkler in one hand and a penis popsicle in the other. Yes, that was a nice day.

No, what I mean to say is that the Democrats should take advantage that the rage of the "teabaggers" can be so easily redirected. Sometimes I wonder if Rush doesn't just spin a giant "wheel of hate" every morning to come up with whatever he's going to get the faithful all worked up about: "Mexicans! Rrrr!" "Socialism! Rrrr!" "Van Jones? I don't know who he is, but Rrrr!"

And "gay" is the best "Rrrr!" of all. Healthcare and the environment, they're complicated. But, it's not hard to keep track of the places that God allows you to put your pee-pee. I mean, you can count those places on one hand. And that hand isn't something you should be using either.

So, when Obama speaks tomorrow, he should fight fire with Fire Island. Not only should he revoke "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," he should also change our military slogan to "An Army of Buns."

And, starting next year, a new policy: Gay Bussing. Yes, if there aren't any gay families in your community, we'll bring them to you.