two faces of me

I am like having two pieces of me.

These two faces are becoming a nightmare to me.

I have so many thoughts in my mind just now when i was bathing.

I think so so much, think so negatively, so badly whenever i am one person.

Those break time become so miseable to me.

Boredom kills me unknowingly.

I am going crazy soon. i guess.

Why i care so much about how others look at me?

I realised i never truly love myself at all times.

I want to find a spot and throw away all my weakness, bad things, bad thoughts inside me.

I am so desparate right now to do that.

I am like a breathless person who no longer able to hold my breath and maintain it anymore.

DONT MAKE ME THINK THIS WAY < CAN???

I have this false perception since ...(don't know when) that i must be lovable and likeable by others.

this false conception instill in me so much, affect me so deeply which i cared so much about how others look at me.

How their view of me becoms so significant than how i view about myself.

Shit, that's really the bad thing. but i can't control it.

for my assignments, i don't know what i am writing.

i am tired. exhausted.

i need a crazy day that i could do crazy stuff.

to release myself completely.

i don't wish my blog entry to be so negative.  I always want to be the person who could bring happiness, joyfulness to others. Same over here.

Why am i smiling all the while but i am not happy at all?

Why don't i give up that so-called zhi zhun when it is a small matter after all?

ARHHHHH, arhhrhhrhrhrhrhrhrhrhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i feel like writing a letter to Geraldine to tell her about something.

I am stuck. stuck stuck.

I am trapped trapped. I slip and slip and slip. but i don't allow myself to fall, fall and fall.

that's how serious i suppress myself. That's how serious i am being disciplined.

i hate it. I hate it.

that night is horrible to me. I was crying so badly.