Empty

Being very empty, lately. Very.

It's been sort of stuck in my mind for a bit.
But never find the right time to, say it, or even, talk about it.
Until I saw this on Kit's Facebook.

曖昧是，比好朋友再親一點，但比情人遠一點。
曖昧是，你會常常等他線上。當他幾天沒有線上，你就會有些擔心。
曖昧是，你會不時去他的BLOG看看有沒有更新；而且你會留意字裏行間，他對你有沒有什麼暗示。
曖昧是，有感覺，然而，這種感覺不足以叫你們切切實實地發展一段正式的關係。
曖昧是，明白人生有太多的無奈，現實有太多的限制。你知道沒有可能，但又捨不得放手。
曖昧是，有進一步的衝動，卻沒有進一步的勇氣。
曖昧是，他不是你的情人，但似乎他比你的情人更關心你和瞭解你。
曖昧是，你會編一條圍巾給他，但大家從沒有開始過。
曖昧是，雖然他不是你的情人，但他卻會對你說：你對我是十分重要的。
曖昧是，你感冒時有一個會在晚上打電話來，特意提醒你服藥，叫你蓋好被子早點睡的普通朋友。
曖昧是，為了逃避背叛的罪惡感。
曖昧是，甜津津又同時酸溜溜的。往往從未開始，已叫人不安，患得患失。
曖昧是，別人以為你們在搞地下情時，你會沾沾自喜。
曖昧是，別人問你們是否戀愛中，你張口結舌。
曖昧是，常常掙扎表不表白。你怕表白之後，你既得不到一個情人，卻又失去了一個知心好友。
曖昧是，見到他，你會心跳。見不到他時，你會掛念他。
曖昧是，兩個人都會互相猜想。他是不是已經暗示了什麼？我是不是自作多情？
曖昧是，每天大家都會聊天，會互傳手機短訊，無規律地偶然約會。
曖昧是，除了情人節之外，其他的節日，大家都交換禮物。
曖昧是，你很想多走一步，但又怕會嚇怕了他。你會很小心流露自己的感情。
曖昧是，兩個人沒有承諾過什麼。但雖然如此，你願意付出的，比有承諾的情侶更多。沒有責任，但你卻很渴望去承擔，不問回報。
曖昧，是一扇門，你可以停留在門外，也可以踏進房子裏面。然後你不可以停留在門下面。門--永遠不是終點站。
曖昧，是你看了這篇文章，心裡想到的那個人 是不是？
你們曖昧，彼此卻不屬於對方

Some of this stuff, really makes me think.
What am I doing?

Get What I'm trying to get through to you?
I keep asking myself.
What is going on with our relationship?
Is it 曖昧? Or..?

I understand the fact you, "love" me. But could it be only 曖昧?
Or vise-versa.
My feelings for you, could merely be just, 曖昧?

I, really don't know.
The past week has been weird.
I should say, ever since that fight happened.

Did I not want you yo leave because I loved you?
Or again,
Could it just be..曖昧?
Or am I jsut caring for a really close friend who I've grown really close to, and don't want to see him deported back to China?..

I don't know.

I want to be fair to you.

I can tell you right now, I'm not ready for a relationship.
Really.
I'm not.
At least since my mum came back, I can feel the pressure.
I no longer have that freedom I was given during that month.
Just this 曖昧 relationship right now is dirving me nuts.
Really.
I want to be fair to you.

You want to go out on the holidays.
And do, heaps of things.

I, seriously can't.
One, I can't start lying to parents again.
Two, I physically can't go out that much.
There's probably, 3,4,5,6,7,....

I really, just want a resting holiday, and do things, that I really want to do.

Since Wendy came to me, telling me how much you actually, need me. My heart hurt. It did. I felt like I've been treating you like shit. And I continue to. But thats the best I can possible give. At least, right now anyway. The amount of times you get drunk, because of me. I blame myself. I do.

But you do cross the lines alot of the times. At least alot of things you've done lately, annoys me, and these things tell me, you're not the right person for me. And possibly, never will be. I don't want to "change" you, into someone I want. By all means, I wouldn't want a guy who'd "change" for me.

I dislike the fact you get drunk. I dislike the fact you hang with gangster friends. I dislike the fact you're too nice to me. I dislike the fact, You Fight. For Nothing.

I asked alot of people about the fight.
Did you, actually fight? Or were you standing and watching?
I pray to myself that you weren't a part of it, at least that would make MY heart, better.
But the Fact was, You fought. You were one of them that punched the shit out of him.
That image of you fighting, disgust me.
I hate this stuff.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that.

Joy once say in the library, "Don't make those Internationals angry at you. Or else you turn into Daisy's Ex."

I fear.
I can't risk my life like this.
I wouldn't anyway.

Always thinking back to that call when kaine screamed at me.
Can someone define the odds for me, of me getting bash in the future? Coz i potentially hurt u?

感情是培養出來的，
but for these, umm what? 9 months?
I don't know where its heading to.

我不是不愛你，
只是，
愛你有多深?

You keep telling me how much you love me.
I really get the point after the 10th or so time.
But it keeps coming,
and the fact that I have to re-assure you time and time again,
that i like you.
Annoys me.

I couldn't find any ways to talk to you about this.
I'm sorry that it has to be published like this.
But really, this is how I feel.

sindy.